When in Doubt, DO IT!
When I began writing this week’s blog, I was inspired by a magnet in my kitchen that reads, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
I’ve never really lived with failure in the forefront of my mind, and I’ve always been willing to give things a try. Of course, there are things I’ve been terrible at throughout life, but it never got in the way of my continuous quest for trying new things. I may not feel comfortable trying many things, but at the end of the day I would prefer to have tried, then regret not giving it a shot.
The magnet made me think about my birthday, which is today, my 50th to be exact. Birthdays are a weird thing causing deep questions and contemplation. My mind pondered the concept of regret, thoughts of unfulfilled goals thus, creating a bucket list seem to be in order with such a momentous a birthday. With the blog outline in my mind, centering around my magnet and my birthday, a podcast episode set me in a different direction.
As I have mentioned, I’m a podcast junkie and Brene Brown is on my rotation. I tuned in for her latest episode and low and behold her topic was regret. Her guest was Dan Pink, who sharpened his skills as chief speech writer for Al Gore and went on to author 7 books, 5 of which were on the New York Times best seller list. Dan writes about business and behavior and his latest book The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward was dissected as only Brené Brown can.
Pink starts out by citing a study he conducted indicating that the most common regrets people have are that of inaction. He refers to them as “Failures of boldness.” It’s the “I didn’ts” in life. Most regrets are of what people didn’t do rather than what they did do. I thought of my magnet hanging on my microwave oven. Regretting not speaking up, playing it safe, not taking a chance, even if it leads to failure. At 50, I get that, and he confirms aging accentuates these feelings. Pink believes regrets indicate what we value in life, and the bottom line is what matters most in life is doing something. Growing, learning, trying new things. That’s what most of us value.
Some ignore regret, some beat themselves up from feelings of regret, but he urges the productive way to handle regret is viewing it as an opportunity for self-improvement. The best way to resolve regret is through disclosure. Sharing, saying it out loud and owning it. Being vulnerable is cathartic, and in fact at the root of my passion for writing. It’s true, most of us fear revealing our regrets will lead to judgement by ourselves and others, but Pink believes regrets are necessary to teach us, so we can in fact be better in the future.
Regrets are signals, a call to action and exist serving a purpose, adding value. I thought of all the times I berated myself for putting my foot in my mouth, or being impatient with my daughters, or not leaving my marriage the moment I discovered infidelities, and now saw them as lessons for a better future. Pink advises exercising self-compassion when feeling regret, a reminder I certainly need when the shame of regret sets me in a funk.
As I enter my sixth decade, I am, as always, thinking about my own personal growth and hoping that reflecting on my regrets will form a roadmap of what direction that growth will take. Confronting my regrets is hard for me because they feel a lot like failure and disappointment within myself, but Brené and Dan arrived just in time for me to reformat my thinking. I guess regrets are necessary for learning and if that’s part of the process for growth count me in for more regrets.