Bye-Bye

Goodbyes are hard. Adieu. bye-bye.Godspeed.adios.cheerio.ciao. No matter how you say it, it’s never easy. Throughout life we experience many versions of goodbyes. Some are temporary, and some permanent. I’ve said goodbye to my daughters as they fly off to college, to my grandmother when she passed, to homes I lived in for years, to true love that could not endure, to my parents as they dropped me off at college, to a marriage riddled with dysfunction, and to many more. We grow attached to a home, a city, a person and in time, it will come to an end. We move, relocate, end relationships and move on to our next chapter. Goodbye’s are just part of life and even if the next stop is fantastic, exciting and wonderful, saying goodbye is never easy for me. 

To be clear, I’m terrible at goodbyes. I have no grace, or composure at any farewell. For eleven years, I was the only inconsolable mother waving goodbye to the sleepaway camp bus. I’m talking, ugly cry, with dark sunglasses to hide behind.  A swell of anxiety and sadness builds inside me and I inhale to calm my emotions. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I’m left with weepy eyes and a pounding in my chest. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. 

Goodbyes can get easier in time. It’s gotten a bit easier to say goodbye to my oldest daughter as she enters her third year in college, but it was certainly painful walking out of the freshman dorms for my middle daughter. I’ve worked tirelessly for eighteen years to teach her independence and strength, all leading up to the day when the world expects her to fly without me. It’s the goal, it’s the purpose of parenting, but somehow when the actual goodbye arrives, instead of feeling proud of sending her on her way prepared for the road ahead, I feel angst and heartache. 

I think maybe saying goodbye leaves me feeling empty and wondering how I will fill that space. What will replace it? Will I be able to replace it? Self-centered, maybe, but it’s the truth. When saying goodbye to anything, or anyone, I am faced with a loneliness that comes with an ending and I search for ways to replace what that person provided in my life. Children bring purpose to our lives, romantic partners bring love and companionship, and homes provide a safe place where we can relax and feel ourselves. Saying goodbye to meaningful people or things in our lives removes the comforts of the expected. I may not be good at goodbyes, and I’m not certain that it’s a skill I would like to perfect, but goodbyes assure me that I love and care deeply which is a quality I’m not willing to trade.