Talk To Me
Although I’ve not been published...yet, when I look in the mirror I see a writer, a communicator. I can search for a perfect synonym, construct a beautiful sentence, but when it comes to romantic relationships, words somehow escape me and I’m left silent, as sentences form in my brain never to be uttered.
There’s a certain paralysis that comes over me as a result of a twenty-year emotionally dysfunctional marriage. The repetition of my feelings being discounted has left me with internal conversations which fear keeps protected inside. On the bright side, the past six years have brought self discovery and growth that could fill a lifetime. I continue to wrangle with hesitation and stretch to expose my heart and thoughts in conversation, but give me a keyboard or a pen and my walls begin to collapse.
Now that I’m faced with dating in my late forties, my thoughts turn endlessly in the wee hours of the morning wondering if I’m getting it right. ‘Did I come off meek when I said that?’ and ‘What do I truly want in a relationship?’ fill my head. I am determined to know my true self so I can communicate my feelings to others and be heard and understood.
Communication is key in any relationship. Work, familial, and romantic relationships all hinge on the ability to share how you feel, and listen to how others feel. I openly admit, I struggle. I struggle because I’m guilty of placing others' feelings above my own. Conflict is not a comfortable place for me, and it’s much easier to live in a world of rainbows and unicorns but the price for ignoring less than positive feelings is astronomical. I avoid sharing my deepest thoughts for a litany of reasons ranging from fear there will be backlash and I will quickly regret not staying in the safe zone of sunshine all the time, to guarding my heart from falling in love too hard only to be rejected and crushed. The past is powerful and reminds me of pains I’ve endured that I’d like to avoid. Ugh, so many things to hold back in an effort to protect myself, yet holding back communication builds a storm inside me that cannot be contained for long.
Communication is like an unknown dance between two partners. Each sentence of expression elicits a response. I may step left and expect my partner will step right mirroring my moves, but that’s not always the case. When communication is out of sync, creating open and vulnerable communication is the solution. My fear roars inside and I breathe deep to quiet the distraction and focus on choosing the proper words that will convey my feelings. What if my words induce anger, or what if they ignore me? What if they tell me my feelings are wrong? What if I don’t convey what I feel effectively? The paradox is that when I hold back communication in an effort to protect myself, and preserve a relationship I’m facilitating a breakdown of communication, preventing a relationship from growing deeper.
Some relationships consist of free flowing communication where I feel seen, heard and understood without much effort, but I am involved in meaningful relationships where communication feels like navigating an uneven path,watching every foot placement carefully to avoid a fall. I wonder why that is? Perhaps what I hear in my head and plan to say doesn't come out the same. Maybe it’s the communication style of the partner involved. Do they interpret my sentences differently than I hear them in my head?
Telling someone how I truly feel takes courage. I once wrote a lengthy heartfelt thank you note that was raw, honest and vulnerable. Scary stuff. It sat on my computer for years and I just sent it yesterday as I began to analyze my interpersonal communication skills, or lack thereof. When I seek vulnerability I feel as though I’m standing naked in a crowded room, hoping my risk is not met with jeers and laughter; pointing fingers and whispers. If I communicate my needs, will someone think I’m asking too much? Is it fair to prod someone to do things that they aren’t doing naturally? Yet if I don’t communicate my wishes, how can they ever be met?
Suffice to say, as much as I love to communicate, it seems I have some work to do when it comes to sharing feelings and getting my point across clearly. Practice will certainly not make perfect but it’s another step in a journey towards better communication that can only lead to stronger and deeper relationships.