“Who Do You Want To Be?”
“Every morning at 8AM, my calendar alerts me with the message, Who Do You Want to Be?” my friend explained.
I crinkled my nose and furrowed my brow. He really needs a daily reminder? Maybe I take it for granted, but who I am and what direction I want my life to take doesn't need to be a scheduled reminder in my phone. Yes, it's admirable to focus on self-improvement and have goals to better oneself, but a daily reminder seems curious. Perhaps he needs the reminder because he’s working to change who he truly is, aspiring to be something that’s unnatural for him, rather than just being who he is authentically. Maybe the better question he could be asking himself is who do I NOT want to be? Process of elimination might be an easier approach rather than a daily pressure.
When I pressed my friend about this daily question, he reminded me that although I am a “smart and independent thinker” I lived much of my life uncomfortable. He is correct.
My ex-spouse was my only serious “adult” relationship, therefore I had no comparisons. I always felt something was off, but I couldn’t put it into words. Even if I had an alert to ask myself “Who do you want to be?” every morning for my entire marriage, I would not have been able to make changes. I was living as who I wanted to be at that moment. I was a great mom, a good friend, and a good daughter. I was still me. I wanted to revisit my career, I wanted to write, I wanted to feel less stressed in my marriage but it was not changing who I wanted to be because I was, and still am inherently the same person regardless of outside pressures.
Despite the pains I endured, it could not change who I am at my essence. I was and will continue to be loyal, kind, loving, deep, emotional, hard-working, caring, giving, warm, impatient, a little moody, impetuous, and spontaneous, to name a few. Even though some of those characteristics may have been muted, I always knew who I was. One can choose to answer this question by listing goals, but characteristics that are at the core of your soul will remain steadfast with or without a daily introspection.
I believe being our true selves is a natural component of our everyday life. We make decisions daily which define who we are. Are we honest? Kind? Truthful? Considerate? Empathetic? Are we diligent in our workplace? Asking ourselves existential questions can be helpful to refocus, but life continually presents opportunities for us to be who we want to be. I don’t leave my shopping cart in the parking lot, I donate for charity at the pet store checkout, and I’ll notify someone if they have toilet paper on their shoe. I am honest in my words, and I support my words with actions because that’s who I am. My inner voice is my reminder of who I want to be, not the alarm on my phone.
I try to imagine in what scenario this daily question would have merit. Perhaps if you’ve struggled with addiction, or dishonest behaviors and need to stay on a positive path. If you’ve behaved in a shameful manner I can understand the need for a reminder to be a better version of yourself and this could help reconcile or correct poor life choices. Ultimately, when I think about the question, Who do you want to be?, I think to myself, most days I am who I want to be. My inner compass guides me at every turn.
Do I always make the best decision, certainly not.
I have weak moments, I make errors, or lose my temper with my kids, but that doesn’t affect who I am at the core. They are simply moments in a lifetime of change and growth. Who I want to be is evolving, and although the essence of who I want to be doesn’t change in the basic morals and values, many things are in flux.
Who do I want to be in my work, as a parent, as a friend, as a life partner, as a spouse, as a daughter, as a citizen, as a neighbor will all have different details in the answers, but the overall themes remain the same.
Simon Sinek would argue that asking yourself ‘why’ after the ‘who’ will get you closer to your true self. Why are those characteristics important to you? Why do they resonate with you?
My inner work has been more extensive than most, but I do know who I want to be and for the most part, it’s how I live my daily life and make choices that support my beliefs. I’m not sure questioning oneself daily will result in the new image one might be seeking, because ultimately, we are who we are.
Our core being is within a range and throughout our life we will gravitate to that natural tendency. Some is nature, some is nurture but by midlife, I think it’s pretty clear to ourselves and to others who we want to be.