I Forgave Him, But I Did It For Me
Forgiveness is HARD. Trying to forgive feels overwhelming when the offenses are calculated, the hurt is deep and an apology is nonexistent. I’ve struggled with this, understanding that forgiveness will benefit me, but it’s HARD! Most of the time, I find it easy to forgive given my nature, but I’ve been put in a situation where it’s clear there will be no apology, yet finding forgiveness will sever the unhealthy emotional ties.
Silly spats that feel large in the moment tend to fade over time and a natural forgiveness settles in without much thought. But larger, more monumental situations tend to stay with us, linger in our chest and have power over us if we can’t forgive. Things become more challenging when there is malintent, acts performed with the knowledge that they will likely be harmful or damaging.
I have been working towards understanding forgiveness and I had a discussion with a wise woman about defining forgiveness as a first step. Forgive is a verb defined in the dictionary as “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” As I continued looking through definitions, I came across some that I feel were inaccurate as they added the word “ pardon” to the definition. Dictionary.com says, “to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.” This second definition did not sit well with me at all. Why would it be healthy to pardon someone’s malicious behavior without an apology? How can someone’s soul heal from an unresolved violation by pretending it didn’t happen or it didn’t hurt?After some thought, I believe that the term “to forgive a loan” has become mistakenly merged with alternate meanings of forgive. I don’t believe forgiving includes condoning, or accepting wrongful behavior. When forgiveness is absent, the hurt from the incident lingers, extending anger, pain and connection with that person. The objective is to free yourself, but it is damn HARD to do without an apology or acknowledgement of fault. Cutting the cord with a person who once had the power and opportunity to hurt you deeply is a result of forgiveness. The act of forgiving disallows a toxic connection, removing all power and control from the offender.
I had a life changing experience this past week that perhaps I will write about in the future, but it allowed me to forgive for the right reasons. Self preservation. I am not pardoning anyone, I am simply saying “I know you wronged me, and I am choosing to not allow the anger I feel towards you to live within me any longer.” It has been said there is love, hate and indifference. Indifference was attainable for me through forgiveness. It was a long, challenging, emotional journey, and it was HARD! Maybe it’s explained better by saying I now visualize the past and current offenses as a distant observer of the drama, not as an active participant.
It seems illogical at first that the ill intended, deceitful people are the ones we need to forgive to secure our own emotional freedom and I grappled with this unfair concept until I addressed one pivotal question. I was asked on my journey towards forgiveness,“what are you afraid will happen if you forgive him?” I was speechless, my tongue frozen and head dizzy from this question that never occurred to me. My answer was quick and clear, I was afraid that if I forgave, I would be condoning the injustice and that my forgiveness would be giving him a pass on completely unacceptable, and “unforgivable” transgressions. Infractions that would be considered objectively wrong by any human. I feared my forgiveness would send a message to my children that I am permitting the misconduct and moving forward without holding him accountable despite the calculated malintent. I did not want to let go through forgiving because I was afraid that I, and others, would believe treating another human being with such disrespect was acceptable. I was not willing to pardon the behavior, but I came to realize that forgiveness does not need to absolve someone of their actions. The forgiveness I found was ultimately an act of loving myself which only empowered me.
I made a conscious decision to flip the narrative that I was wrestling with. I am choosing to demonstrate to my children that remaining connected to emotions that block us is unproductive. I am showing them that robust self care is releasing ties that connect us to negativity and we do this for our own benefit, NOT the benefit of the wrongdoer. We dominate the situation when we let it go because ultimately that cruel person becomes non-threatening when we remove their power over us. We cut that cord, by our own choice on our own terms. This was a really HARD lesson. I needed time, guidance, introspection and lots of self love to find my own acceptable definition of forgiveness that I could live with.
I’m curious how you all feel about forgiveness. Do you think my clarity will last? How do you process forgiveness? Any tips for the rest of us? Do you think it’s possible to forgive without pardoning or do you think completely absolving one's behavior is necessary for forgiveness? I’m looking forward to hearing your comments and feedback.