Whispers of Doubt
As I embark on a second career as a writer, fear drenches me, soaks me and I’m searching for small shreds of courage. Yes, I have a complete book on my laptop files, but I have no clue how to write a book. While desperate for closure, I found myself stagnant and frustrated as my ultimate goal drifted further away from my grasp. After extensive research, and procrastinating, I recently hired a book coach and the initial edits arrived in my inbox last week.
I was sweating as my eyes skimmed the notes in the narrow margins. My nemesis named ‘fear’ surrounded me and the ugly voice of doubt whispered ‘can’t’ and ‘shouldn’t.’ Can’t. That’s the one that haunts me. I imagine the difference between successful people and those who dream of success is plowing through and believing in oneself despite their ability. I often wonder if I am the only one that is haunted by doubt in my career change? Am I the only one who wonders if I’m wasting my time on a profession that is beyond my abilities? If my hours of writing are just an exercise in futility? Do lawyers form beads of sweat and fill with self-doubt when a judge asks tough questions? Does a stunt double hesitate before jumping out of the car and think, “I hope I know enough about the timing of that bomb to avoid certain death.” Is it just the nature of the creative professions I’ve chosen that leave me in a cold sweat with my heart palpitating as I move towards facing the reality of my shortcomings?
I chewed at my lip as I read the comments ranging from “Nice sentence.” to “Your protagonist is so judgmental.” I began defending her immediately and chastising myself. I didn’t intend for the readers negative perception of my protagonist, but my coaches’ edits were undeniably valid. I was in a full out war within myself wondering why I ever thought I could possibly write a novel that any reader would find worthwhile of their time. I provided catastrophic scenarios where my novel was garbage and not worth an ounce of extra effort. The spial was fast and downward.
I slammed the laptop closed and tossed it aside massage my temples until they burned. My ego and id conversation continued. ‘OK self. Here we go. Does anyone get it right out of the gate? No. Is it possible that many who have written a first book feel inadequate? Is it at all possible? Yes, it is possible.’ Ok now we are getting somewhere. The vortex of negative thinking halted. ‘Could it be possible, if I worked hard this novel could be good enough? Not great, but good enough? Yes, it is possible I could make it passable. Do you believe you are smart? Yes self, I believe I am smart. Do you believe you can figure out most things barring any sort of high-level math? Yes, I tackle tons of complex topics daily.’ The interview with myself continued like this for several minutes until my daughter pulled me out of my vortex.
Can practice make perfect? Is it normal to feel this way? Writing a manuscript is more personal than most work projects. I’m writing characters that are close to my heart and have shreds of myself weaved within their characters, but I’m wondering how fear and doubt manifests in other professions. Does everyone feel emotionally entangled or am I just an overthinking, emotional mess. If my nerve endings were a little numb, I could push through the doubt, and I’d be pulling my bound novel off my bookshelf instead of quivering over my next round of edits.
According to social researchers including Brene Brown, emotional awareness is no longer checked at the door when you enter the workplace. Employers are leaning in to better understand and support their employees and their struggles in and out of the office. I wonder about the blurred lines of work and emotions, and I visualize my first zoom meeting with my book coach. “Yes, good morning. Before we begin can we first discuss the definition of trust and my vulnerabilities as we set out on this journey to make my piece of shit book into something presentable?” Or perhaps I go straight at it. “Level with me. Am I wasting my time here? Is this a lost cause?”
When I am in a clear frame of mind, I realize everyone has doubt, and fear looming inside them, but the question is how we overcome it. How do we silence the skeptical voices or at least turn down the volume so we can find enough courage and belief to stay the course? I’ll be adjusting the volume controls moment to moment, but one way or another, a bound novel will be sitting on my bookshelf in the not-too-distant future.