The Green Zone
For a long time I felt like a salmon. Pushing against a strong opposing force, struggling upstream only to realize I remained in the same spot even after all the effort. There were long days, weeks, years that seemed to hold me steady treading water barely able to breathe and stagnant. I just wanted to write. I just wanted to work. I just wanted to be productive and impactful and move into the “green.” Healing is a process and there was no free pass enabling me to leapfrog the hard work. As I began to crawl out of the darkness, I was finally able to focus and write again. The energy around me shifted and I was miraculously in the green zone I once dreamed about.
Every Tuesday I publish my blog and admittedly, I look forward to the feedback. The positive feedback inspires me and confirms that someone, anyone is reading and paying attention. This past week was special. While the comments on social media, as well as the encouraging thumbs ups are appreciated, nothing compares to the personal notes I have received from people from my past, resurfacing with an outpouring of kind words and support. It never gets old, and I’m often dragging my knuckles across my cheeks wiping tears that spring unexpectedly. The past week was a dose of encouragement and guidance which I had daydreamed about for years. For the first time in many, many years I felt wind pushing at my back, not gusting in my face.
The kickoff to the week of positivity was an unexpected facetime call with a dear friend whose expertise happens to be in social media, marketing and writing. How much good fortune can a girl have? When the call connected her martini glass was in the foreground and her fluffy silver cat was slinking in the background.``Let’s talk.” she said deliberately. Her seriousness about my writing and her belief in me is a gift. She didn’t think my writing was a silly hobby, or a passing fancy unworthy of her time and attention. For me, this call indicated she believes my writing is valuable and has enough merit to focus on the next step. She believes my work could be more than just a passion project. As I am writing I sometimes have a-ha moments where the true meaning behind my words is revealed and I am having my moment. For years I lived an existence where I was treated as if I had no value. My passions poo-pooed and dubbed “a ridiculous dreamer.” Each time I prepared for flight, my wings were swiftly clipped keeping me grounded and controlled. This phone call had a whisper in the background saying “I see your wings growing back.”
The following day, my phone lit up with a text from a friend who I haven’t connected with in some time. He complimented my blog content and provided some suggestions for improvements in my website. My website is remedial at best and I’ve been struggling with publishing my weekly posts. Although I am fairly technically savvy, I find building a website, even from the cookie cutter templates daunting. “Let me build you a new and better website. Your writing is great and it needs a good home on the web.” I swallowed my pride, and accepted his generous offer. As our texts bounced back and forth hammering out the details, I could feel the gratitude swelling in my chest. Pangs of appreciation appear when words fail to articulate the emotion. I felt my passion project inch toward a career path as he nudged me forward. It’s kind of difficult to describe, but when your friends see the merit in what you're doing and lean in to elevate you to the next step, it’s an action that surpasses any complimentary words one can give.
I was feeling high from the momentum of the week when my friend called, cutting through all the pleasantries and ready to talk business. “Listen, you need to flesh this out. Sit down, make a business plan and see how far you can take this. I can see you hosting a podcast, posting short interior design videos, and a page about your perfumes. I really think you need to think about this like a business.” I listened to his words, and recalled the days of wishing and envisioning this day. Dreaming of interviewing people for a podcast and finding a way to make my passions my livelihood. We discussed a plan of attack, as I continued to visualize my dreams of the future.
I have never truly felt that anyone understood me or my brain, or my goals, but reflecting back, I think I never understood them clearly. I was married to a man who belittled, and trivialized my passions and abilities. After hearing it for years, I believed it. I believe everyone around me saw my potential and my strengths, but I did not. I was in a web of fear that clouded my head, but one day, there was a glimmer of light that poured through the cracks I created by pecking, and pecking at the shell around me and with the bright light I heard a different voice. My own voice, echoed by the army of friends and family that surround me. This week, I felt the shift into the “green.” It is true that we need our supporters to step forward and fill the empty spaces allowing us to be pushed forward at the most fitting time. I guess my time is now.