Swipe, Swipe Baby

Hat ✅ Sunglasses ✅ On a boat ✅ Just missing a big fish.

As my divorce meandered aimlessly for years, those who love me urged me to “get out there.” Translation, start dating. During Pre-Pandemic times it was easy to meet a friend for dinner at a bar and chat with bachelors without the stress of an actual date. I had little urge to formally date, as I preferred to close one chapter of my life prior to opening another, but with a divorce trial pending, time was not on my side. I slowly dipped my toe into the dating apps and would quickly retreat. It felt more like a video game than anything else. Still, photos of complete strangers appeared on the screen requiring a swipe or choice of an X or a heart. It seemed surreal. Do these men actually exist? How can I be expected to make a judgment when I can’t hear their voice, or watch them walk?

Ugh.

I swiftly swiped up to close the dating app off my phone. Boredom would sometimes lead me back to peruse the offerings and I was getting an odd education about men that I never had before. There were some strange realizations that emerged in the dating app world that don’t seem to surface in the real world. For those unfamiliar with dating apps, you get a few photos to display what you look like and a few small sentences to say who you are or what you're looking for. The first photo is of you is your come out pic. A woman is likely to base their yay or nay on the first picture that appears on a profile. A gut reaction. I’m not sure men have gotten the memo on this. As I became more familiar with the process, I noticed several peculiar patterns.

1- Apparently, men like to wear sunglasses. But seriously, how am I supposed to see your face when your eyes are covered? And now with masks in the world, why on earth would you use a picture in a mask? Why? Why dear men, why? You’re asking me to make a decision on a mere five photos, and sunglasses are just a red flag to what is hiding behind those dark lenses. 

2- I’ve had enough of the inexplicable pictures proving you are in fact a manly “hunter.” Photos of men posing with a large fish on a boat, or with some rare breed animal are all too plentiful. I’m not proving my gathering abilities as a way to coax men into my dating pool so why must they prove their hunting stature?  Stop with the fishing pics. In fact stop with any animal pics. Ok, maybe your beloved dog, but end it there. 

3- Men often select a group photo and proceed to scribble out the faces of others in the picture. Have you not heard of cropping? Do you literally not have one photo alone? It may be  conceivable you don’t have a solo picture on hand, but make it happen. Just please stop the scribbled out faces of your children (or other people’s children which is a whole other weird scenario) and friends.

4- While a selfie is not ideal, they can be kinda cute or endearing in certain situations, but taken in a bathroom of any kind is not one of those scenarios. I scratch my head imagining the moment a guy walks into a bathroom and thinks, “Hmm. This seems like a great place to get a fabulous selfie of myself.” Do you not see the toilet in the background? Well, we do. Save the bathroom for what it’s designed for, not for a photo shoot.

5- While I'm sure many of us were adorable children, there’s plenty of time to drag out the old photo albums after we actually meet, or even speak. I need to know what you look like today, not thirty years ago, especially when I will be expected to make a judgment on a mere five photos. Save the cutie-patootie childhood pics until I actually know you. I’m sure I’ll find them much cuter then. 

6- Do you guys wear baseball hats 24/7? Sure seems like it from these apps. I can accept one hat pic, but when the majority are displaying your cap collection, it just adds to my already raging skepticism. Are you bald and trying to fool me? Trust me when I say women are well aware that many men go bald, and if a woman finds that unattractive, that baseball hat will not be changing her mind. Hats can certainly be cute, just not in the first five pictures. 

7- While I myself find Halloween to be a fun and festive holiday, I don’t believe a dating app is the place to showcase your costume achievements. The virile Viking, spooky face painting and silly woman’s dress is not going to be the conversation starter you’re hoping for. It just makes me crinkle my face, or my mouth to drop agape. “What this dude is thinking?” is typically my inner thought. Save the costumes, whether funny, weird, cool, or sexy for when we are a couple and I can appreciate your humor on a more personal level. 

8- Even if you believe you have the most godly body on the planet, the only places you should be topless or bottomless is on a beach or in the privacy of your own home. While a photo on the beach is not entirely offensive, the real trouble arises in that photo you took in your underwear in your bathroom mirror. (yes, we are back in the bathroom.) That is not Ok in any way, shape or form. Leave something to the imagination, please. 

9- I love my mom, and if we date, I hope you will love her too, but your mom should not be part of your selling point on a dating app. Perhaps you think a cozy shot with your mom will make me think you’re a “good guy” because you love your mom so much. I’m not even sure why, but this is just weird. Is your mom going to be deeply involved in our relationship? Is she swiping for you, choosing the women that pass her visual test? I’d love to get to know your mom, but only after you’re my boyfriend, not in the first ten seconds of laying eyes on a photo of you. 

While my single friends and I exchange screenshots of these disturbing and often hilarious photos, it makes me think about the vastly different thought processes of men and women. I am not privy to the dating profiles of women, and I am sure a similar article could be written addressing the unusual photos they choose to share with potential suitors, but I can’t help but wonder why men make these choices. Why is there a consistent stream of these specific photo selections? And more importantly, what is the thought process? Or perhaps there is no thought process. Clearly, there is a vast majority of men that believe these photo selections make them look the most desirable to women. For now, I’m off the apps, because I cannot choose a man based on a photo with him in sunglasses, wearing a mask and a baseball hat, holding a massive fish on a boat, next to his mother, with some else's kids faces scribbled out. It’s just not gonna work for me.