A Hearty Salad
Many years ago, while trying to navigate our daughters' friendship woes, my close friend Carol once gave me some valuable advice to help in my parenting. “Think of friendship like a salad.'' she said. “You always have your lettuce. Your lettuce is your core, always there, dependable, closest friends. Then you can add in whatever ingredients you feel like, nuts, carrots, cheese and each gives a new flavor to your salad. Friends are the same.” She continued. “Some are good listeners, some are fun, some are smart, and each holds a different place in your life. Not every friend needs to hit all the marks, you just need to know who to call in each situation.” As she explained it, I understood that the life of the party friend is fantastic on your birthday celebration, but won’t be the first call when you need advice on the mortgage you're about to sign. While Carol may not have realized it, I have shared this anecdote with many friends over the years.
When I was younger I experienced friendships and relationships as black and white. The reality is, it’s very difficult to live that way. Unrealistic expectations just set us up for failure and hurt. I recall all the difficulty I experienced navigating friendships in my youth because I never understood that friends can serve some emotional needs but likely not all your friendship needs, yet they still can qualify as a good friend. I’ve learned to appreciate people for their best qualities instead of feeling hurt or frustrated by their shortcomings. I now understand there are many shades of grey in relationships. Each relationship is unique and can be a wonderful friendship yet not fulfill every single friendship need. My error was categorizing it as a bad friendship as a whole if the friend wasn’t up to par in every category.
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who studies romantic relationships, points out that we expect our romantic partners to fulfill every relationship need, which is likely an unattainable goal. (As an aside, I highly recommend Esther’s Ted Talk...utterly life changing.) Perel says, “We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.” That’s a tall order for a friend or a spouse. The research shows that one human being cannot possibly fulfill all the needs of another in a romantic partnership or a friendship, which is why, to Carol’s point, we all need a friendship salad bar.
Navigating adolescent friendships can be difficult and my friend's life lesson has been invaluable in parenting teenage girls. In an effort to break the chain of my own friendship mistakes, I point out the positives in friendships my daughters have and while they may complain about a friend that blabbed a secret, or switched lunch tables, I look for the friends redeeming qualities, like her great fashion advice, or group study skills. It’s important to recognize that we cannot be all things to all people and people cannot be all things to us. Once I understood this concept, friendships became much easier for me and I’ve been less disappointed when I appreciate someone’s strengths. Even if you’re in the healthiest romantic relationship, it’s vital to have many friendships in which each fills us in a different way.
There's always room in your salad for some peas, candied walnuts, or creamy goat cheese. Some days you may just want your lettuce, but most days we all need a few hot peppers or crunchy noodles thrown in to round out all our needs.